My Best Facebook Status Updates

Is it still gluttony if I throw up all 6000 calories I just ate?

I wanna know who gave my kids crack cuz wow, they are losing their minds! better my sister's house than mine :)

"I prefer to donate to animal charities. I just don't have much of a soft spot for my fellow man."

Dear Nickelodeon, How many days in a row are you going to play Dora Saves The Magic Crystal Kingdom. Knock it off or I'm gonna lose my mind. Thanks, Amanda.

I feel a 'fake-ass-facebook-friend' purge coming on.

"Mama, look-k-k, pank-a-but-t-t." WHACK! (slaps the hell outta me) "Foddy, Mama..." -Asher



Oh yes, delete me from your friend list, that'll surely show me the error of my ways. Fucking idiot.

So I Said To Myself...

When driving in this with one version or another of this somewhere ahead of you

watch out cuz those bikes will fall off and come bouncing toward your truck trying like hell to recreate this scene

and you will scream obscenities, the likes of which your children have never heard. That's sayin' a lot when "you" is me. I've got some crazy ninja driving skills so we came out of it okay. I can't say the same for those bikes. When I passed them again later in the trip they looked something like this

I'm Just Going To Repost This Every Year On Thanksgiving Cuz It Never Stops Applying...

Let's talk about Black Friday.

Granted, I've never actually been in the midst of madness on Black Friday so I can't be absolutely positive but I'm pretty sure it sucks. I've never had my fingernails ripped out with pliars either but I'm not gonna volunteer to find out for certain. I'm just gonna trust my gut on this one. I don't play well with others. Specifically with the unwashed masses general public. I can't imagine it going well.

Why must this all occur at O Dark Thirty? Great idea. Let's add another element of pissy to the whole thing. If I am up at 4am, I am not happy about it. Anyone in my vicinity will be made acutely aware of this fact. Maybe it's just me but I think 2500 reluctant early birds trying to squeeze through a 4 foot opening to fight for flatscreen TV's with a 'kill or be killed' mentality has potential to end in violence. I'm just sayin'.

Parking issues alone are reason enough for me to skip it. I come mere seconds from committing a felony on a normal day at Target when some prick in a Mercedes-Benz swoops in and takes the parking spot I've been waiting patiently for. I have to fight the urge to find out if that fancy hood ornament would look quite as impressive sticking out of his or her tight ass. Bet not! It'd sure make me feel a whole lot better though.

Then, there is this insanity that apparently sweeps over the shoppers that makes them think they have ninja skills or something. If you and I are eyeballing the very last Suck My Toes Elmo and you snatch for it, I will whip your ass. Not because I want Elmo particularly but because you have challenged me for it. I'm 5ft 10 and essentially an Amazonian Princess. Odds are that you are not physically up to this fight. Now unless he actually will suck your toes, that little red bastard is not worth it.

Legend has it that the best deals of the year are on Black Friday. Oh, the sales, the incredible one-time only deals! you say. Do you mean except for the after Christmas sales, the after New Years sales, the sales that follow very single other holiday and season of the year? Puh-leeze! There are 5 year olds who have the sense to know better than that crap. As if there will be no restocking of merchandise before Christmas. Whatever extra I have to pay or time I have to wait to not be out shopping on Black Friday is totally worth it.

I know this goes against nature or some girl-code but I rarely do anything traditionally. I see no reason to start now. But hey, if you're feeling froggy... Just don't come cryin' to me when you end up with stitches from a mid-aisle brawl over the very last Baby Alive Puke 'N Crap My Pants Doll. Happy shopping!!!

One Of My Favorite Photos

My nephews, Jayden and Julyan, on the dock at my parent's pond.

Quoatable Sunday

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Buh-Bye

Tomorrow I am driving 500+ miles to Arkansas. Just me and the boys. I hear prayer works. I'm just sayin'.

This time tomorrow night I will be half drunk, standing in line with a group of the craziest gals you've ever seen. Or heard. We will be squealing like the teenage girls we will be surrounded by, anxiously awaiting New Moon.

After tearing up Northwest Arkansas for a full 24 hours, I'll head south to spend a few days with my family and friends back home. I've got a couple posts queued up to publish while I'm gone but other than that, I will be absent here. Oh, Internet, how I will miss you....

Yes, Already...

We I put up Christmas decorations last weekend. You know when the Sexy Beast was out slaughtering Bambi? Freakin' crybabies! These were taken with my phone and even though I heart my BlackBerry more than life itself, it takes sucky pictures. Sorry.

Fierce Hunter

I'm irritated that I am even writing a disclaimer here but based on past experiences, it seems necessary. My husband hunts. We also eat chicken, fish, beef and pork. I say this to warn you that I'm about to post pictures of the Sexy Beast and the deer carcass. In the past I've taken shit over this post, when I hit a bird on the freeway ON ACCIDENT, as if I purposely ran the fucking bird down with my truck and then stuck it's head in my grill. To that person I want to say, go get a new prescription because that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of to get all ass-hurt over. And Aidan is my son so that's saying something.

Now that we've got that out of the way, the Sexy Beast's first kill of the season. I love how Aidan always poses with it, having nothing what-so-ever to do with the harvesting of the thing. In fact his involvement is limited to posing with it and then instructing his dad on how to do everything during the butchering process while commenting on the "nastiness" the entire time. Oh, and sometimes he plays with the severed limbs. Good father/son bonding experiences!

Review of JumpStart Virtual World

I was asked to do a review for JumpStart. The official spiel is...

JumpStart is an award-winning adventure-based 3D virtual world that is super-personalized, wildly imaginative and really fun, but don't let that fool you - it also teaches math, reading, and critical thinking skills so kids get a real jump start in life.

In addition to the kids games there is a JumpStart Blog and a Fun For Parents section. I haven't been able to spend as much time as I'd like on the blog but they post everything from holiday crafts and recipes to tips on the games and upcoming "attractions" at JumpStart. Here's a sort of checklist of what you get with and without a membership at JumpStart.Aidan LOVES this thing! Thomas RedDreamer, that's who he is in the JumpStart virtual world. His avatar looks something like this only with dark hair and capri pants which you will soon learn are not his favorite fashion statement.I kinda hate JumpStart because now I gotta fight both the Sexy Beast and the little computer hostage taker for it. I also kinda love it because you can bet your sweet bum I threaten him with losing it and bribe him with extra time to play it. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't take full advantage of this awesomeness?

He seems to spend most of his time in AdventureLand which is the part specifically for Kindergarten through 2nd grade. Lately he's been going to FutureLand which is supposed to be for grades 3 through 5. I'm not sure how well he does in FutureLand because I'm scolded each time I try to interfere. He does the GhostTown Grab a lot. It's also possible that I log on at night and play this one, too. There are so many games, lessons, adventures, and fun stuff on this site that I couldn't possibly cover it all but I highly recommend it for preschoolers and grade-schoolers alike. And their parents cuz GhostTown Grab is FUN!

I had a few videos of Aidan playing the game and some of them were quite funny. Somehow I lost them. I tried to force him to recreate them but he got all cranky and uncooperative. You're shocked aren't you? So I decided I'd interview him about his thoughts on the game. I'd like to add that when I brought this idea to him he said Are you going to put this on the computer? Yes, you are, you put everything on the computer! I take offense to that comment.

Do you like JumpStart?
Yeah. Can I play now? Are you done working?

As soon as I'm done. Let's just do this right now. Why do you like JumpStart?
Ugh! Because! Just let me get my work done! Ugh, just ask me and I'll answer while I'm coloring, okay? *multiple eye rolls*

Why'd you dress your person like that?
Because pirate hats are my favorite kind of hats. I don't like his pants. They're girl pants. Are we done yet?

No. What's your favorite game to play on JumpStart?
Rhyme Time. Is that it?

No. What part don't you like on JumpStart?
Number Know It All in Math. *Uh, that's my boy talking. Math is my mortal enemy* Plus, I know it's like school. Games aren't supposed to be school! *Busted!* And this.

What?
You asking me all these questions! Let's just get done so I can play, okay, Mama?

And with that the interview was over. He went on to play JumpStart for an hour until I made him log off for dinner.

Martians opinion on JumpStart - PASS

Winner Winner Winner!!!

And the winner of the free 3 month subscription to JumpStart is none other than Diane from Good Mourning Glory with comment number 4.

Diane said...

i tweeted

http://twitter.com/gmourningglory/status/5284013965

I used Random.org to come up with the number. I still don't know how to take a screen shot to prove which number came up but as usual, I have no stock in who wins so you just have to take my word for it.

Congrats, Diane! I'll be emailing you soon!

Also, the review is coming up. I lost all my video I took of Aidan playing - and it was very comical video - so I'll need the weekend to force him to repeat everything exactly as he did before. Should be a good time!

Who Knew Firemen Delivered Pizza?

I suppose there are many ways to get noticed in a small town. You could move from Arkansas to Nebraska and your accent alone will make an impression. You could get into a dog shit war with your neighbors and as I found out yesterday, the whole neighborhood will know all about it. Or you could have the freakin' fire department come rolling up to your house - lights and sirens blaring.

Guess which one I did? Okay, all of them but the fire truck was my latest effort.

Last night we ordered pizza for dinner. About the time the pizza was due Aidan starts screaming that the firemen are here. I'm like the fire department, what the hell did you do, Aidan? I open the door to find 3 firemen standing on my porch holding a pizza box. I just kinda stood there open mouthed for a few seconds and they asked Did you order a pizza? And then pure brilliance spewed out when I very nervously said, Um, yes, was I not supposed to? *shaking head* Don't ask, I don't know why some shit comes out of my mouth, I was caught a bit off guard - not expecting the fire department to respond to a pizza delivery and all.

Turns out the fire department and this pizza place teamed up and they randomly choose a delivery order and deliver the pizza. If you have a working smoke detector in your home, the pizza is free. We had one working one and they installed another upstairs for us, plus our pizza was free. Score! The boys got to climb up in the fire truck, Aidan's head almost spun off his neck he was so excited. I'm betting our next pizza delivery is gonna be a big let down for him as he will surely be expecting the fire truck again.

JumpStart Giveaway Oct. 30 - Nov. 13
Click on the image for contest details and rules

this is a sticky post, scroll down for new content

Top Ten Thursday

The top 10 kids shows and cartoon characters that make me want to repeatedly and violently jab unsharpened pencils into my eyes and ears....

Veterans Day

Go here and read and cry and comment and be thankful today and every day for the service of our military people.

Two Goofs

Is This Asshole For Real?

I hold a semi-controversial stance on Michael Jackson - as in I think he was a pedophile, also an amazing performer, but first a pervert. The other part of my opinion is that his father is a sorry rat bastard who is hugely responsible for completely fucking his son up. I mean really, this video where he's asked how he is doing and answers "We just lost the biggest super star in the world...it's hard", I just stared at the TV open mouthed when it aired. Wow, I'm glad you just lost a superstar and not a child cuz that would have really sucked, you fucking asshole!

And now the headline is Joe Jackson Seeks Stipend From Michael's Estate (further proving he is a douche). I don't think I can say fucking asshole enough in this post to actually cover what a fucking asshole this guy is.

LOS ANGELES – Michael Jackson's father is seeking an allowance from his son's estate to help cover expenses... blah blah blah...Michael Jackson's 2002 will, however, omitted any mention of his father. The two had an often-strained relationship, and Michael Jackson said at one point that he would get physically sick — as a child and as an adult — at the sight of his father.

Where Does He Come Up With It?

Aidan, you need to finish your cereal and get dressed for school.

*Silence*

Are you listening to me?

*Silence*

Aidan! Finish eating and get dressed!

Stop talking to me, Earth Girl.

WTF?!?!

Answers Please

I'm looking into reviewing a novel and passing a few on to my readers in a giveaway. My question is would you rather have the actual, physical book to hold in your hands or an e-book to read on your computer that I know you love so much?

And yes, another review and I know I said I hate reviews but I love to read and getting to read a new book for free, well, I'm nothing if not opportunistic!

Twitter Lists

When I first saw that we could make lists on Twitter I was all Oh hell, instant blog fodder! And then everyone else had the same idea. I had it first so I'm doing it anyway.

First, my lists are private because, well, despite my telling everything I know to the internet - all 6 of you who read it - I don't want everyone knowing how I categorize them. I'm mysterious like that. Plus, people get their skivvies in a bunch over getting put on the wrong lists and I've got enough pissing and moaning to deal with from Anonymous.

I'm working on my lists though. You know, like People I Know IRL, Mom/Dad Bloggers, Tweeters that Make Me Laugh So Hard I Pee, etc... I'm building up my Skanks Who Want Me To View Their PornCam and Complain So Much I Want To Cut Their Wrists For Them lists. It's fun, creative even! I'm on a few public lists and they're all pretty generic; Mom Bloggers, Girlfriends, Bloggies, and Would Fuck.

Wait, what!?!?

Yes, I'm on a Would Fuck list. The Sexy Beast was all No mother-fucking way! Does he know you can see that? Block that guy!

Fall Photos

I Cry

You know how some people cry at commercials, the FTD Flower commercials and the like? Yeah, who else got teary at this one?

I can't listen to this song without slingin' a little snot.

This is the first movie that I ever remember making me cry and I'll never watch it again.

And then there's always the stand-by "I don't have anything to wear", "my hair looks crazy", and "why won't this fucking pimple go away already" cry inducing moments regularly. I even cry in my sleep. Not just crying but all out wailing, and sobbing. Hmmm, maybe someone needs to up her dosage of anti-depressant?

We're All Going To Die. Except Aidan...

...and he's the little bugger who brought the freaking swine flu home! The Sexy Beast is sick, home from work and pretty pissed off about it. It's like the second time he's ever missed work in the 8 1/2 years I've known him. Asher is sick. He's got a fever and has had one for 2 days because he refuses to take medicine. He doesn't sleep - as evident by this 2am blog post - so I don't sleep. I've got the worst sore throat I've ever had and a fever so I'm freezing and then sweating and Asher simply HAS to be ON me EVERY SECOND... So yeah, poor me, mkay?!?!

We kept Aidan home today despite him feeling all better because how can that be possible, it's H1N1, how can he only be sick one day with it? He's going in the morning cuz one well child and the 3 of us sickies stuck in the house was no bueno. Aidan can't understand why we don't all want to play. BECAUSE YOU GAVE US SWINE FLU!!!

There's really no point to this post, just a pity party. However, on the plus side, I haven't held vomit in my hands today. Why do I do that? It never stops the puke from getting everywhere and it makes me throw up, too. There's a serious flaw in that particular motherly instinct.

Dog #1, Fail

Before we got Lexi we had another dog from that rescue. Brisco, a beautiful 6 year old German Shepherd. He was an asshole. He refused to be in the same room as us and he barely tolerated Aidan but if we disciplined Aidan, he'd try to bite us. And he hated my guts. Like I said, asshole. After a few weeks of his nonsense we got hooked up with a "dog behavior expert". We laughed about calling a dog whisperer. But she was no Cesar.

This woman shows up at the house and meets Brisco, we show her the issues we want her to work on and she pulls out her bag of tricks. Ace bandage, dog training clicker, and a whole bunch of dog psychology mumbo jumbo. I wish you could have seen the look on the Sexy Beast's face while this was all going on.
 
The highlight of the tutorial involved the ace bandage. I swear on my laptop she suggested and demonstrated that in order to make the damn dog, who was lucky to have a home, hello RESCUE DOG!, feel comfortable and accept us that we basically need to swaddle him. With a big ass ace bandage. Around his balls. Yes, surely emasculating the big bad male dog with an ace bandage would make him love us. Duh, why didn't I think of that? Brisco looked at us as if to say as soon as I get this thing off my balls, I'm going to rip your throat out. 

I kept my ass away from him for a while after that because I was most definately his least favorite person in our family. You know the tension in the air when you're in a room with someone you don't like and they know you don't like them and so they don't like you and you both throw off your best you don't exist to me vibes except you both totally exist to eachother in the sense that the resentment between you is dripping off your faces? Yeah, that's how Brisco and I spent our days. Good times.
 
But I'm a pleaser and I really wanted it to work out so I clicked that thing at that bastard all day long and gave him his weight in treats and kissed his ass in countless other ways. Then I took the last piece of the Dog Emasculator's advice and paid $65 for what was essentially a plug in air freshener that sprayed out pheromones of 2.83 year old female polar bears in heat or some shit to "calm" Brisco.


No, go ahead and laugh. The guy who took the order for that thing could barely contain his laughter.

Anyway, that asshole didn't appreciate our efforts, I think I heard him say I'm never going to love you, you suck, I'd rather live on the streets than live with you. We didn't send him into the streets but I waved goodbye happily as he left to go stick his nose up at another family. A few days later Lexi walked into our house. And she's not an asshole.